Welcome to the shit show of life. It’s nearly two months of a massive incline that dropped my ass so low I just couldn’t bring myself back up.
Until now….. I cannot believe how much I lost who I was what my goals were and how I was going to make them a reality. Life hit me and hit me fucking hard. I just couldn’t fathom even writing a single word. So this shit may be long or may be short I haven’t quite decided what the fuck to do with it on this Wednesday yet.
In the last couple months I spent time quitting smoking which unfortunately only lasted until last week but I havent given up on that shit yet. Right now just isn’t the right time in my life to fully quit and I realized that’s ok. We all need something just one thing to hold onto and cigarettes have been my vice for so long that it is what I need right. I know that sounds like bullshit but it is how I feel right now and nobody is about to tell me that my feelings aren’t valid. I’ve done that road before no fucking thank you.
As some know I reinjured my knee for a third time and have now twice been told there is no surgery or treatment otherwise that can fix it. At least not until full replacement is required which can you believe I’m too young for that shit? That was a really tough pill to swallow for me. I don’t know what working will look like or if I’ll even be able to find work now. Another very hard very fucking big pill to swallow. I have worked since I was fourteen. I mean full time on my own, renting my own place (I had friends with a suite below them but still paid rent), worked my ass off since then. Have been back to educate myself five times since 2011 and now all of it is for nothing. I’m fucking lost. I have no idea where to go or how to get there and have seven kids to care for at the same time with no fucking income. I would love to be able to say my books make me money but like anything else it doesn’t. Which is ok, I’m not going to stop trying I just have to go a new direction for a bit and side hustle that shit.
While my health has been good, some those around me have not been so lucky in this way. People have passed away and people are passing away. I’ve had kids grieving while I’ve had to grieve as well. I’ve lost relationships with some and gained relationships with others. While all this is a part of life I wonder why the fuck it all has to come at once? People always you’re never given more than you can handle but let me tell you I broke my holy shit handle and it’s holding on by one tiny fucking thread that fingers, toes and everything else fucking crossed will hold until things settle down.
My life isn’t easy, it’s never been easy and I don’t expect it to be fucking easy I am just asking the universe for a little less what the fuck. That’s it, that’s all. Just a tiny bit less and maybe a little income so I can move forward haha!!
If you made to the bottom than you. Each and everyone one of you who have supported me, been there for me and continue to be there. I hope this one post here is what I need to get back to where I want to be. Do to the writing I want to do and hopefully let others know they don’t struggle alone.
Happy fucking hump day!!