Shameless Self Promo Saturday!

Yes! Saturday! Shamelessly throwing my shit in your face haha. It is not like I don’t do this daily anyway but in the writing community it is the day we do it without anyone bitching about it really.

So here is my crap: you know you want it, it is fanfuckintastic crap!

My paperback order just arrived, exciting, I know. I have both volumes in stock. $15 CAD each with shipping in Canada, $20 CAD each with shipping in USA. You want them signed? sure I won’t even charge you. I think it is bullshit some people charge extra for this but that is just my opinion. I will even throw in a bookmark or 2 just in case the kids decide to do something stupid while you’re in the middle of reading it. Trust they probably will.

Wine tumblers in stock, drink that water, juice, alcohol whatever fancies you with a sweet little bit of my words of wisdom. $30 CAD each or 2 for $58 CAD. shipping is about $20 CAD per cup, I know I am sorry but I cannot control the fucking postal expenses. They suck!

Coffee mugs in stock, want that morning pick me up saying so you can feel better about the kids running around being assholes? I got yeah covered. These are honest little words of wisdom if you have kids you know they are no lie! $20 CAD each or 2 for $38 CAD. Again shipping is $20 CAD per, I get it that seems like a rip off and I agree but they are worth it.

If you made it through reading all that shit I threw at you, I thank you. Now one last thing.

I have a call for submissions for an LGBTQ+ anthology, this project is very dear to me. It is non-profit. I am investing my own money and proceeds will be donated. Please share my submissions, tell friends, family and colleagues. I only need 20 people to participate by the end of November.

Happy shamelessly self promoting all.


Shameless Self Promo Saturday

This is going to be the most fucking epic shameless self promo Saturday EVER!

CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS IS LIVE! yes I am putting together a non-profit LGBTQ+ anthology. Go get the details from the submissions page! or click submissions. This is a project I am very excited and proud to be putting in place finally. It took me along time to figure out how to memorialize my father.

PAPERBACKS ON THE WAY! Finally, these beauties have left Amazon in print. I am extremely proud of my So You’re Not Supermom Series, I think they are fabulous but I am biased so find out for yourself. They are $15.00 CAD per book with shipping in Canada and $20.00 CAD per book with shipping in USA. You can also purchase ebooks for $0.99 on Amazon, Google Play Books, and Smashwords.

MUGS, BOOKMARKS & SHIT! My shop is open, I still have some inventory and the wine tumblers should be ready in a couple days. Unfortunately, shipping costs are slightly ridiculous for items and I have no control over that. Trust me I wish I did. But if you reside local to me I will deliver items.

ALL THE WRONG LOVE: Abuse, Betrayal, Forgiveness. This is my memoir, two years in the making and it is so close to being done I can feel the closure and healing. The story I share for my anthology project is a portion of this book. It looks into the depths of my life that stood hidden for a very long time.

That is it, told you it was epic. I am truly very lucky to have come as far as I have in my writing career. I can not wait to continue the growth. Especially sharing own voices from a beautiful community.

Happy Shameless Self Promo all.


🍃🌻Sunshine Blogger Award🌻🍃

A very massive foul mouthed shout out to the most fucking amazing blogging supporter this bitch has. Ms Catarina at Beauty Of Cafe 205. Girl you fucking rock and I truly thank you for thinking of my random shit! You have been such a great follower to have in my life and please do not ever change! You are such a fucking joy with your comments.

The Sunshine Blogger Award is given to bloggers who inspire Positiveness and Creativity in the blogging community.

The Rules Are:

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.

2. List the rules.

3. Display the Sunshine Blogger Award Logo in your blog post.

4. Answer all 11 Questions asked of you by the blogger.

5. Nominate up to 11 New Bloggers to receive the Award and notify them.

6. Create 11 New Questions for your nominees.

Beauty of Cafe 205 Questions For Me

What was the one thing you disliked about quarantine? Has got to be wearing a mask at work all day every day especially since I fucking love my coffee and do not chew gum. This leave a very nasty coffee breath and nobody wants to smell that shit.

Taking trips after quarantine? Fuck I hope so, this mama needs a vacation after trying to home school seven kids, which I completely failed at. Can’t win them all.

Are you quitting your job? Shit I wish I could afford to.

Are you still going to do what you had planned before all this? Well, I really did not have anything planned except camping and that is opening back up, sort of, nature is my home, someone fucking take me home please!

Plain dark coffee or cappuccino? Does a cappuccino have sugar? Can’t handle sweet ass coffee if it does.

What did you like about being at home with your loved ones? Being able to nap, nothing like a good midday sleep to perk my ass up.

What was the funniest movie you watched on Netflix? I do think I even turned that crap on in months.

Why did you start blogging? So I can rant shit that pisses me off as a working parent with the hope other parents can feel not so alone in the struggles.

When did you start blogging? Some time around 2 months ago, I think, maybe, fuck pregnancy brain never goes away.

Favorite quarantine dish you made? Every dish that came from an app on my phone and randomly showed up in front of my door, I probably took too many days off not cooking a damn thing.

Leave a link of your favorite blog post from your blog Shameless Self Promo Book 2 Preview



It’s Fuck It Friday!

I survived, fuck it has been a week for sure! See what I did there? lol Another week coming to a close with a couple days off after today. Another Friday to say fuck it to all the things I still did not accomplish and just revel in the fact that I made it.

I even get to say fuck it to working all day today as I have an appointment that is allowing me to leave at noon. I am excited for that shit . Can you tell?

My daughter is up at six am, apparently has not slept all night playing on her electronics and my fuck it mode said if you are awake to bug me the least you can do is make me a coffee. She gladly did and it is a pretty fucking tasty coffee. She literally just asked for chocolate cookies, fuck it! go ahead, you made me coffee.

As I am going to be off early today, there will be a fuck it I am taking a nap too! I miss my naps, that was always the best part of being off work.

Oh yes Fuck It Friday is the day you can say fuck it to the shit you have put on hold and just relax! If you need help to make a fuck it list just do it like this.

dishes=fuck it, laundry=fuck it, cleaning=fuck it, cooking=fuck it. Yes take everything on that list and add fuck it beside it. Done, you may even thank me for it, the fuck it attitude is a lot less stressful and we all need less stress in life right now.

Happy Fuck It Friday!


It’s What The Fuck Wednesday!

Ahhh yes, the mid week hump has arrived and bestowed itself upon the world again. I am pretty sure this what the fuck Wednesday started on Monday this week. It has already been such a long fucking week with uphill battles from the start.

Emotions and attitude have been running high as fuck around every aspect of me and it is down right exhausting! Not just my kids, but with work, people at their work, everything! It must be something in the fucking planetary alignments screwing with shit!

I was so run down from the last two days I slept all night! Literally, I did not even get up to pee like I normally do, I heard nothing from the youngest all night, hopefully he slept and did not get into shit. I didn’t hear the dogs bark when the oldest returned last night from his friends house either. You can always tell when a parent has drained themselves to nothing as they actually sleep undisturbed.

I am now up slightly early, still feeling tired as fuck for work. Sitting in the silence of the house just dreading today after the last two days of bullshit from the world around me. I can only hope that the hump of this week allows shit to start settling down. You know like a roller coaster, it ramps up to the top and then just slides to bottom and levels the fuck out where you can finally breath. Yeah that is what I need.

I need to fucking breath, I need this ride to just chill the fuck out. So far the only good thing that has happened is my lovely shirt and beautiful note that arrived! Ellie you totally made my week, cannot wait to wear the shit out that shirt!

Happy What The Fuck Wednesday all, may your ride be ending if it has been a week!


It’s What The Fuck Wednesday!

Today’s What the Fuck Wednesday must be some kind of calm before the storm. I had a great sleep. I am only up about an hour before my alarm and the the house is quiet. I mean dead fucking quiet.

This has got to be due to having no kids! That’s right absolutely no fucking kids. Alllll week.

How did I get so fucking lucky? Well sometimes being a blended family is nice, I can split them up into directions and with different people and my house falls eerily fucking silent. Let’s be honest nobody in their right mind wants seven kids at once if they didn’t make them.

It does not happen often and I actually have a horrible time dealing with it as i am not used to it.

But I do attempt to enjoy it as well. I do not have to cook, clean, yell, chase or fight any kids and have done nothing the last three days. For real I have accomplished fuck all on all levels, it is fantastic, as well as odd.

While my morning is calm, my night was rested there is still a day of work and tonight for something to happen. I am not being a downer just a realist.

Just to make my What the Fuck Wednesday even better I am going throw in the fact I now have official So You’re Not Supermom….It’s Ok! coffee mugs up for grabs. Get in touch if interested. They are $20 CAD each plus shipping which determining shipping is on my list of shit to do this week.

Happy What the Fuck Wednesday all. Have a fanfuckintastic one!


Shameless Self Promo Saturday!

Well I did not post on fuck it Friday, it was part of my fuck it list, a very long list this week. As I was exhausted and spent the evening after work trying to get my kids to clean. Nasty little creatures they are. Gawd I love them though.

A new day and another Saturday to bring on the sweet ass promoting though.

With two books out now of So You’re Not Supermom….It’s Ok! I am not sure which one to put a bit of for today but i did receive a couple more readings from hunnygoddess and you can check those here and here. If paperback is your style get in touch I have a shipment coming!

So I am going throw out something different. This will be in my upcoming memoir later this year. A look into the depths of my life. This is a much lighter section of it, there is some heavy fucking shit in this book.

“At the time I don’t believe any of us truly understood. We were all so young, under the age of about ten. The mentality and comprehension at our ages were not developed enough to realize or make such a decision.
Even today, it is a hard situation that cannot easily be understood or explained. As sat we all agreed that it would be awesome, that we were all okay with it and so the decision was made.
My father was always there for us. He started his journey transitioning into a female. He would still raise us with our mom and life would continue as per usual. At least that was the lie we were told and thought, but it didn’t end that way.
Not long down the life path we moved to a small trailer next to my first school and, of all things, a fucking taxidermy. It was traumatizing.
My room stood to the back of the trailer and out the window the only view was piles of bones. They were stacked against the side of the taxidermy building next door and strewn through the small patch of grass between us. Some of them still fresh enough to have slight remains of flesh and meat, while others had been there for so long they were breaking and decaying. If you want to give a kid nightmares, you’d live there.
Living here had its ups and downs for all of us. Our school was right next door, and that was nice. Things seemed good. Nobody knew us, nobody knew of the transition yet, and we continued on with life.
Until that one day, I still sit here wondering what the fuck it was about. I can only speculate that it had something to do with my dad’s choice to transition. In the nineties, such things didn’t happen in the public eye. Nobody made it known, and you definitely did not do it in a small hick town where all things new and unknown were rejected.”

An excerpt from All The Wrong Love. Abuse Betrayal Forgiveness A Memoir.

Happy Shameless Self Promo Saturday! Show me what you got and drop a comment below with yours!


It’s What The Fuck Wednesday!!

Honestly, when I went to bed last night I thought this Wednesday would be different. You know since it is only technically a fucking Tuesday for the work week as it was a long weekend. But I was wrong! So very fucking wrong.

Now I still to this what the fuck Wednesday have not figured out why this is the day of the week that is always ridiculously fucking stupid. I have tried it all to not have it happen but fuck me, it always finds a way to be shit!

So here we go my what the fuck Wednesday morning in a nutshell.

It all began on my middle of night pee. 2 AM today, again as I rise from the depth of a decent sleep after having gone to bed early, I make my way upstairs. Ah silence! That is until the youngest yet again calls into the depths of the dark of the hallway from his bedroom.

Heeellooooooo! Who’s there? Mom? Mom?

That little shit knows it’s me I am the only one who gets up at any point throughout the night besides him.

As he exits his room, I hear it, mom I’m hungry. Well of course he is! He’s awake and refused to eat at dinner time which is not unusual and he ate around 9 PM before bed due to his ADHD medications.

Ugh, get a snack and go back to bed already! Well if he didn’t bring me a cold peach tea from the fridge.

Can I have this? Fuck NO! You can not. A: that is not food and B: it has enough caffiene in it to keep you up for days! Food! pick something that requires chewing!

So, he decides on macaroni salad, now he takes forever to eat, like one fucking noodle at a time forever. As I waited for him to finish to get him back to bed, being a woman kicks in. Shoot me now, I swear the older I get the worse it is!

Alright, back in bed, curled up in a fetal position, trying to sleep took a couple hours, alarm goes off, fuck!!!!

Get up do my usual, coffee, meditation, get dressed, pack for work, where the fuck did my keys go?

Yay, seek the keys! What the hell did the 15 year old do with them? He surely didn’t hang them on the key rack where they fucking belong because you know, why the fuck would he do that?

Twenty minutes later after emptying the entire purse, which I should probably clean out, there’s a lot of shit in there, I find them! Ugh off to work, tired, crampy and miserable.

What the Fuck Wednesday? Why do you have to be such a bitch every week?

I give up. I am just going to go with the WTF flow.


Shameless Self Promo Saturday!

Oh, yes, another day to fill my feeds with the crap I have published. Today I get to fill it with two sets. Yes, there is officially two books of the shit I spew out now. I know what you might be thinking, how is it possible to have that much? Well seven kids is how.

The good part is, if you enjoyed the first set of shit then you will enjoy the second because it is literally the same just new ones.

You do not have to have kids, be a mom or a woman at all, men count too you know and as the reviews from all types say it is at the very least a good fucking laugh.

So need a laugh? Then buy the fucking books lol. $0.99 each, you can get both cheaper than a cup of coffee and they are great to read with coffee. Mmmmmmm coffee, I am off to make myself some.

Book 1: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07CG5JCPY

Book 2: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0871TJW55

Feel free to drop your self promo links in the comments. Happy promoting!


It’s Fuck It Friday!

This one is brought to you by the letter S. The word of the day is Sleepless. Yes sleepless as it has been a sleepless fucking night.

Youngest boy refused to sleep last night, up, down, hungry, playing, drinks, bathroom, you fucking name it he had it all covered. To this moment he still has not passed out, I wish I had half his fucking energy. I figured for sure he would be in lala land by now, but nope, his ADHD is strong and going hard since yesterday. I even tried melatonin which usually does the trick except last night.

So fuck it Friday is equal to absolutely nothing getting done and naps!

Oh there will be naps today outside of that my demeanor truly is fuck it!

I have both clean and dirty laundry piled but fuck it. Dishes that require to be unloaded and loaded into the dishwasher but fuck it. Bathrooms that need to be cleaned but fuck it. Meals that need to be cooked tonight but fuck it.

It’s a long weekend and all that shit can wait and food can be ordered, thank god that is still available to me. This mama is on a fuck it Friday roll and I have no shame in it after a long week of work, kids and cooking.

What are you going to say fuck it to on this lovely, long weekend Friday?


It’s What The Fuck Wednesday!

Good fucking morning! It is that wonderful time of the week. You know how I know?

Well, middle of the night last night I woke up to use the bathroom. Really that happens every night, my bladder is not the same after being used as a fucking punching bag through six pregnancies but as I was up I thought all were asleep.

The house was quiet, went to take dogs out and I begin to hear, hellooo, hellooooo, who’s there? The youngest fucking wide awake doing an eerily creepy call into the dark abyss of the house.

Now, I figured if I ignored him he would go back to bed. So I take the dogs out. Turn around in the dark to see his face up against the screen door looking out. Not going to lie, slight fucking heart attack there from the little shit.

Moooom, he whispers, I’m hungry. For fuck sake it’s 1 AM get a snack and go to bed. He gets a snack, goes to bed. Okay, good to go back to bed. Nope.

He then decides to come and make it known he needs a shirt. For real he had a fucking shirt on while asking. There was nothing wrong with it, he just did not want to sleep. Like fuck, I was not about to rummage through laundry it was nearly 1:30 AM now. Finally, I convinced him to go back to bed and went myself.

I hate the half awake, half asleep state it’s bullshit. Next thing I know I am wide awake early! Before my fucking alarm for work! I mean, I love seeing a good sunrise but not when sleep eluded me and I am now back to work.

Now this mama is off to work with bloodshot sleepless eyes and not enough caffeine in the fucking world.

How’s your what the fuck Wednesday?


It’s A Fuck It Friday Giveaway!

Well the week has ended and Mother’s Day is just around the corner. So this fuck it Friday I have decided fuck it, I want to make some other mama’s happy and give them a good laugh at shit. In order to do that I am hosting 3 giveaways for book 1.

Just so you know you don’t #struggle alone in #parenting.

I will choose 5 mama’s

The price of a card!

I am doing it on instagram @ JNSUPERMOM & Twitter @jess38049045 & Facebook @ https://www.facebook.com/jnsupermom/ for more chances…you can click the page names to go directly to them. Go like, share, or comment on the giveaway post to be entered. I will pick 5 from each platform giving more chances. I will draw names tomorrow night May 9 2020 around 6pm mountain time!

Just say Fuck it and enter you have nothing to lose but a chance to win.


It’s What The Fuck Wednesday!

Oh for fuck sake! It’s Wednesday and it started early today. I mean like 4:30 AM fucking early.

Oh what a peaceful sleep it started out to be, until my ears started listening to the world around me. Hate when they do that shit!

Pew pew, take that. Nooooooo! Ahhhhhh! You can’t win. Raaahhhhh clash, smack, boom. You’re dead. Hahahahahaha!

What in the fuck? As my eyes fluttered and I rolled over to the edge of the bed. Plunking my feet on the ground, I grab my robe and head out to the war I can hear happening.

What do I fucking find? My youngest, playing battle of the guys, what the fuck, it’s 4:30 in the morning!

But I am not tired. I want to play. Can I have a snack? I am hungry.

Are you fucking kidding me? No it’s not time to play, grab a snack and get your ass in bed! Go to sleep for the love of all sanity! Or at least my fucking sanity!

Marched him upstairs, grabbed a snack, put him in bed. Then you know how it goes, you climb back in bed, laying there sort of awake and sort of asleep but neither really fucking happens.

6:45 rolls around, hubby’s alarm goes off, ugh, get out of bed again, haven’t even made it to the coffee maker yet and the fucking cat pukes all over the floor. Fuck me!

Of course dogs are nasty shit and love to eat it, so trying to keep dog away from the vomit pile while getting the paper towel and cleaner was fun. Walk backwards, point finger, repeat no. Ugh! Clean it up, dog sniffs around looking for morsels of vomit, nasty creatures.

Someone bring me some fucking coffee extra espresso shots, PLEASE. It is going to be a long what the fuck Wednesday!


Marketing Monday!

Being an Indie Author is fucking hard work, we all put every bit of us into doing what we can. We are shameless, it’s fucking exhausting.

Therefore, you need to take advantage of things when you can. I came across a wonderful tweet the other day from Keisha Jones with Hunny Goddess Media who was looking for some Indie books to read on her story time platforms. She has done two sections of my book for free. Yes, free, which is fucking fabulous.

She offers to read a teaser of your work to help expand the audience and interest. If you’re looking for some support you can get in touch with her at hunnygoddessradio@gmail.com or http://www.eclecticallybalanced.com

She is a lovely person. While you’re at it you can check out what she has read of mine here and here.

Hope some of you find this useful and get in touch with this amazing lady. We all need to support each other however we can.


Shameless Self Promo Saturday!

Here we are, Mother’s Day is coming and you want something extra fucking special! Well why not give her the gift of knowing she is not alone struggling to raise kids. So You’re Not Supermom….It’s OK! Rants of a foul mouthed mom is a fabulous little read to do just that.

Today’s excerpt is from Volume 2 on pre-order now, releases May 16th. Each Volume is only 99 cents on kindle. Cheaper than those flowers and cards your think might be good.

Are those clothes clean?
Laundry, a war nobody can ever fucking win when they have children.
You might get to the bottom of the pile but the second you turn your back?
It’s right back up there, like you didn’t just wash ten fucking loads of the shit!
The most important question to ask about the clothing your kid wears?
Are they clean?
Yes, you want to make sure that the shit you are putting on or using is in fact clean.
My house is absolutely fucking famous for mixing the freshly washed laundry with the nasty shit they just rolled around in all day!
But when you find something clean well it might not actually be fucking clean!
Just the other day I took a clean towel out of the laundry, it looked fresh and smelled fresh.
Yes, I smell the clean laundry!
I have animals and kids!
I need to make sure that shit is clean!
Anyway, I took it out, had my shower and as I was drying off with it, I could see spots of glitter on parts of my body.
No choice now but to finish drying with it.
I’ll be damned if by the end of it, I didn’t look like a fucking unicorn who doused themselves in fairy dust!
That shit was head to toe on me and I sparkled in the sun!
It was ridiculous!
I’m pretty sure it was washed with something of my daughter’s.
You know one of those super cute outfits that sparkle and look all girlie?
Yah, one of those fucking things!
Anytime you reach into those nice clean clothes just make sure they are clean!
It might be glitter filled, dirt filled or food filled, you just never know what you’re going to get.
Don’t stress though just throw it into the dirty pile you tried washing earlier!
Then reach in and grab something else!
Just keep on going until you find something actually clean.
Because you can’t and won’t win against laundry.
It will always get mixed up!
It will never fucking end!
As long as you and them go out smelling and looking clean in what you have on, then you have won that battle!
That’s all you needed to do!
Just win that moments battle!
Because the war on laundry can’t be won.

Words of Wisdom
Even if it looks or
smells clean
Does not mean it is

If you made it the end of this thank you!

Get Volume 1 here

Get Volume 2 here

As well a go fund me is raising funds for my dear friend, please share any all support here


Friday Friendship!

Okay lovely people of the world. I would ordinarily do Fuck It Friday but today is different.

As I mentioned a few days ago in memory monday post a very dear friend of mine had to do the most heartbreaking fucking news to her babies. Their father passed away suddenly at work of a heart attack.

Now she is left to raise 3 kids (15,13,10) on her own and assume all the financial costs for funeral, and whatever else comes her way.

I know the world is a shit place right now and things are fucking falling apart for so many. All I am asking is that you at least share this for me. Please I am fucking begging you. She is the most wonderful amazing person and without her I would not be where I am today.

This woman does so much, she needs a hand up. Thank you to any who share, donate, send messages whatever.

You can view the go fund me page here.


It’s What The Fuck Wednesday!

This mornings what the fuck Wednesday is brought to you by, interruption! Ah yes, they love to just come and mess around. At least today it was a good laugh!

I get up early, like five or six in the morning early, I like my fucking coffee with silence and meditation. I do this purposely as my kids are lazy little shits and typically sleep in since there is no school. Of course it did not happen this morning because it is fucking Wednesday!

Smack dab in the middle of meditation the eleven year old wakes, of course, why not? She can’t control when she gets up but she could control bugging me. She just fucking chooses not to. So there I am coffee in hand, trying to do my meditation in peace and she starts talking. As if I can hear a fucking thing, I throw my hands up at her to say so.

All of a sudden she starts acting out ques for charades, okay, this is can do lol. So as she goes along, arms up, arms down, shake yes, shake no, I can not help but start laughing. She gives me the snobby ass preteen look and heads to the kitchen counter. What the fuck for is funnier than shit!

As I watch her, she begins reading the labels of the cleaners I left there. Scoops one up, reads another, scoops that one up and by the time she is ready to head back to me her arms are full. I mean she had like four fucking products, I couldn’t help but giggle!

Walking back to the couch, her arms full, I pause my music and snap photos, yes I am that mom!. She starts setting them down, she begins pointing out certain letters on each, well fuck me! I was laughing so hard at how she went about this there was snorts, tears and fucking laughter for a good ten minutes.

Then I realize three things, first off I should teach her some word scramble she could’ve just used one product bottle, second that girl really needs to work on her spelling and third I need my kids back in school so that I don’t have to teach her either of those fucking things.

Once I figured out what it was, she threw herself back on the couch looking like she had just run a fucking marathon! Then pleased with herself for getting it done and me laughing so fucking hard, she went back to bed. Oh man this is gonna be a long ass year!

I can’t wait for the others to get up, I can only hope they are as entertaining on this What The Fuck Wednesday as she was.


It’s A Monday Memory Day

Alright, this one might slap you hard in the feels, make your eyes tear or cause you to reminisce on something that really fucking sucked.

This past weekend I was reminded that life is short, too fucking short for some. My very good, loving, amazing friend had to tell her children their father passed. All I want to do is go hold her until the pain she feels subsides, to wipe her tears and just fucking be there and I can’t. It kills me, so I am going to do what I do best and share my writing.

I wrote the piece of poetry below around the nine year mark of the loss of my father. I hope that it can be related to for anyone who has suffered through such an event. It’s not fucking easy.

Dreams of those lost
are how they come back to us
As i walk among the silent grounds
Passing all the etched polished stones
I look for you left unmarked
A secret path only in my heart
The trees above shading us
I lay myself down to a rest
Seeking solice atop the grass
I have but only one thing to ask
Please come back just one more time
I miss your guidance in this life
I need you now more than ever
I want just one more day together
A single kiss and hug goodbye
An embrace only you can provide
Just once more to hear you say
I love you my angel, you’ll be okay

Tell the people you love that you fucking love them while you can. Time is not guaranteed to any of us. Make the best of it.


Shameless Self Promo Saturday

Well it is that time people to shamelessly self promote your shit! I have decided to give you a ranting glimpse inside the wonderful bullshit of raising kids from So You’re Not Supermom…It’s OK! Rants of a foul mouthed mom Volume 1.

Let’s be honest the crap you download from the book previews online fucking suck!

Do Ends Meet?
One of the absolute hardest, most defeating parts of raising kids is making ends meet!
You rob Peter, fuck Paul because the kids need to eat.
You rob Paul, fuck Peter because the kids are sick.
You take a loan to pay a loan to get another fucking loan because the utilities are going to be disconnected.
You beg, borrow and steal in every way possible just to realize you’re fucked for another month.
You stand in line at the food bank hoping you don’t run into anyone else you know because your shame and guilt of having to be there is too much.
You stop eating most days and lie to your children that you’re not hungry to ensure they are full before you even go near what’s left on the stove.
You go to bed stressed and crying and you wake stressed and crying not knowing where you’ll find the cash.
You feel like shit while you do it because you feel like you have to.
Yes this is making ends meet in the life of raising kids.

It is all perfectly fine!
I fucking dread bills! Those bastards get paid and by the time that happens the next bastards need to be fucking paid!
Well guess what world?
If you have kids that all made sense and if don’t have kids yet, well it will when you do.
I’m starting to believe nobody ever gets ahead on these things, they never end, they just keep fucking coming!
The good news is since bills will always be there it’s perfectly fine to rob one for the other!
To skip that payment for what your child needs.
To rob a bill just enough to get the little buggars enough food to eat the following month.
The reason?

You put that little human being first!
You are still providing what they need when it’s needed.
You are still a great parent even though you don’t feel like it.
You made it work!
You made it another day, week or month without the kids having to starve or continue to be sick or whatever.
You can now rest easy for a bit knowing all this.
Don’t forget it was you!
You beautiful parent!

Words of Wisdom
Money can’t buy everything
It only buys wants, not needs

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Fuck It Friday!

Ooohhhh, it is my favorite day of the long ass week! Fuck it Friday.

The kids have been absolute gems all week, everything went perfectly, you worked, you cleaned, you cooked, oh my gawd, who the fuck am I trying to lie to? It was shit none of that really happened! But………

Wahoo! you all survived the chaos of the days before, it is Friday the sun is fucking shining, birds are chirping and the day has only begun. I am two coffees in and the kids are still in a state of slumber, man Friday is great.

So what does fuck it Friday mean? Well it means fuck it!

That’s right all those things you think you have to do fuck it.

Laundry piled up?, fuck it. Dishes need to be washed?, fuck it. Kids are trying to beat each other?, fuck it (for real, let them figure out how to deal with their own shit, we are not gonna be here forever.)

Want to binge Netflix?, fuck yeah, do it! Want to take a nap?, that is the absolute fucking best, lay your ass down, you deserve it. Want to pour that drink or crack that beer at one o’clock in the beaming sun?, shit it is always five o’clock somewhere, do it! Don’t want to cook?, no worries teach the kids, it’s about time their ass’s learn how or order in, both fantastic options on a Friday!

Today, all those are my Fuck it Friday list, I have no shame in it either! I work hard to take one day a week and say Fuck it, to everything.

What’s on the docket for your Fuck it Friday?


Thursday’s Unpleasant Thoughts!

I just spent the last two hours listening to my mother talk about her preparation for death! How she is putting money away for this and that, the codes to access everything, the lay out of her will, and all that shit! As if she is going to fucking die any day soon. She is way too stubborn for that shit to happen.

But it got me thinking of when I found my dad passed away in his hospital bed, slumped off the edge, only feet from the nurses station and the shit that followed that dreadful fucking experience of loss. He had nothing. Nothing saved, nothing in order, nothing laid out and it was all left to us children to figure out what the fuck to do on our own.

These processes of life are less than fucking pleasant thoughts to have but in some strange way are so very necessary in ones life. Now how the fuck do you go about crap that you know must inevitably deal with but have no clue how to deal with? Well I don’t fucking know either so if anyone has any advice I would love some.

The only one thing I have ever put in place is life insurance to ensure my little shits do not have to break their banks worrying about how to cover the costs of my demise. That is it, I am not old, but over the last few years a lot of those I have grown up have been taken in untimely ways. I am also not very young anymore either, kind of just fucking stuck in the middle of life.

Maybe it is time to get my own shit together. It is bound to happen eventually, it is inevitable that we all must lay our asses to rest for good at some point.

Yup, that is Thursday’s Unpleasant Thoughts!

Maybe next week I will have something better to spew out of my fucking head. Or at least less dark and disturbing would be just great.

Then again maybe not!


It’s What The Fuck Wednesday!

Ah yes, it must be fucking Wednesday! Sun isn’t shining, kids are miserable, I am only two fucking coffees in and already I would love to go curl back up into bed!

WTF Wednesday is in full swing this week! How do I know? Well within this very short time of being up, waking my youngest made him absolutely fucking miserable, not a little miserable but to the core everything is pissing him off!

I had to wake him early to ensure he got his ADHD meds today, I could not handle another day of him sleeping in and it being too late for meds to be administered where he literally climbs the fucking walls. I mean literally!

Meds in, not without a fight he went to get himself cereal, not much milk left, which is a typical thing in my house. He however, is throwing a tantrum over it. He poured way too big of a bowl and me not wanting to waste food I went to dump some back in the box. Smart idea right? I thought so too but not so fucking much, yup its now filled with milk remnants, well fuck, there goes a brand new box of cereal.

Youngest all pissed off and impatient as he loves his shit a certain way, I had to send the oldest for milk, thank god for licensed children some days! But if that kid could just close the front door without my walls shaking that would be fucking great too!

Only two kids are up so far cannot wait for the others to open their eyes (insert serious amount of sarcasm here)

Milk arrived, poured and cereal served now equals an unhappy child as he says there is too many cheerios versus the amount of corn pops he poured. Five bites later he is full. (insert my eyes rolling to the back of my head)

Yup all that chaos for five fucking bites of food!

At least he is fed and slightly less miserable at the moment.

Seriously though………

WTF Wednesday WTF!!!!!

I’m Still Alive HaHa

It’s been some crazy ass months leading up to where I am now. There’s no denying the rabbit hole I have spiraled through! It’s almost been a blur most days!

I had gone back to work not just to one job but two. I was working ten to twelve hour days at a full-time position in a veterinary office and holding a part-time position on weekends. This on top of seven kids! Fuck it was insane.

My body finally gave out after three months and I ended up sick and in bed for four days! That’s the most fucking sleep I’ve had in nearly twenty years! Two weeks later I was back at both jobs except it didn’t last long!

Youngest baby had a pediatrician follow up which did not go as planned. His health had struck a point where he can no longer be on the meds he was taking and we are having to start over while attempting to plump him up like a turkey.

With this I’ve had to drop my full-time job as I can not mentally, emotionally or physically do two jobs and transition him again. It’s a fucking twenty-four hour task. We’ve been down this fucking road before! And so far it’s going as expected, which is not well haha! Ugh!

So, I am now at home but still working part-time for the time being. Financially it’s going to suck ass but gotta do what I gotta do. However, with this has come some new opportunities to collaborate on a few projects that I’m soooo fucking excited about!

I am turning my So You’re Not Supermom It’s Ok! Rants of a foul mouthed mom books into audio books!! I found the perfect voice and she actually sounds like me, crazy and fucking awesome! Watch for those!

I have a children’s book in illustration called Teacher Says. This is one of my proudest ever pieces! Inspired and dedicated to my boys who have ADHD. It’s a simple way of explaining how they react to things! No there’s no swears it’s a fucking kids book!

Last, but not least! I am working with a wonderful partner on a workbook design surrounding parenting disabilities. More details to come on this one! We are both over the fucking moon about it but I don’t want to share too much yet!!

It’s amazing how the universe aligns and throws you down when it’s time to change focus!

Thanking the universe for all that has happened and that is to come!

Lest We Forget

Remember those who lost it all
So you could love the ones still standing tall

The ones who came back a little less whole
Never complaining as freedom was the toll

They fought for you, for us, for life
And gave theirs up to win the fight

Battles lost and wars won
They all lay one by one

Fields of crosses row on row
Never let their legacy go

Sons, daughters, mothers and fathers
Love them all now and forever

Lest we forget

Never forget why we are here and live the way we do!

It’s What The Fuck Wednesday!

Welcome to the shit show of life. It’s nearly two months of a massive incline that dropped my ass so low I just couldn’t bring myself back up.

Until now….. I cannot believe how much I lost who I was what my goals were and how I was going to make them a reality. Life hit me and hit me fucking hard. I just couldn’t fathom even writing a single word. So this shit may be long or may be short I haven’t quite decided what the fuck to do with it on this Wednesday yet.

In the last couple months I spent time quitting smoking which unfortunately only lasted until last week but I havent given up on that shit yet. Right now just isn’t the right time in my life to fully quit and I realized that’s ok. We all need something just one thing to hold onto and cigarettes have been my vice for so long that it is what I need right. I know that sounds like bullshit but it is how I feel right now and nobody is about to tell me that my feelings aren’t valid. I’ve done that road before no fucking thank you.

As some know I reinjured my knee for a third time and have now twice been told there is no surgery or treatment otherwise that can fix it. At least not until full replacement is required which can you believe I’m too young for that shit? That was a really tough pill to swallow for me. I don’t know what working will look like or if I’ll even be able to find work now. Another very hard very fucking big pill to swallow. I have worked since I was fourteen. I mean full time on my own, renting my own place (I had friends with a suite below them but still paid rent), worked my ass off since then. Have been back to educate myself five times since 2011 and now all of it is for nothing. I’m fucking lost. I have no idea where to go or how to get there and have seven kids to care for at the same time with no fucking income. I would love to be able to say my books make me money but like anything else it doesn’t. Which is ok, I’m not going to stop trying I just have to go a new direction for a bit and side hustle that shit.

While my health has been good, some those around me have not been so lucky in this way. People have passed away and people are passing away. I’ve had kids grieving while I’ve had to grieve as well. I’ve lost relationships with some and gained relationships with others. While all this is a part of life I wonder why the fuck it all has to come at once? People always you’re never given more than you can handle but let me tell you I broke my holy shit handle and it’s holding on by one tiny fucking thread that fingers, toes and everything else fucking crossed will hold until things settle down.

My life isn’t easy, it’s never been easy and I don’t expect it to be fucking easy I am just asking the universe for a little less what the fuck. That’s it, that’s all. Just a tiny bit less and maybe a little income so I can move forward haha!!

If you made to the bottom than you. Each and everyone one of you who have supported me, been there for me and continue to be there. I hope this one post here is what I need to get back to where I want to be. Do to the writing I want to do and hopefully let others know they don’t struggle alone.

Happy fucking hump day!!

It’s What The Fuck Wednesday!

What the fuck? I didn’t even realize it’s Wednesday. It truly doesn’t feel like it. It’s been a slow ass hump day without the usual chaos.

Hhhmmm calm before the storm? That’s what I’m going with.

For the first time this week I actually got some fucking sleep last night. My knee has not been doing well at all. It’s been swollen really bad for four days now. Had to get groceries yesterday and it felt like my knee cap was going to pop off. It locked while driving (yup probably won’t be doing that much longer) so I sat in the car waiting for the pain and nausea from the pain to subside. It took a while.

I’m still waiting for the surgeon to call me with results and the plan of what to do with the fucking thing. I did cheat a bit to find out from my family doctor the just of it, which is damage to the cartilage again! Like how much fucking damage can that shit get before there’s none left? Ugh!

My kids were pretty decent this morning. Even the youngest was slightly better, he only yelled at me when I said his name as apparently it scares him every fucking time it’s said. I have been so happy to have my baby boy home from Manitoba. Missed that boy so much when he was gone.

My mental health has been in a better place most days. Struggling through it has been both fucking exhausting and rewarding at the same time. I have had to take time to become healthier. Physically and mentally. I am 10 days cigarette free and plugging through daily.

Yay for a decent what the fuck Wednesday! It’s been a while since the universe allowed one to be kind.

I want everyone to know I appreciate you all, your support, your love and being here through all my bullshit rants. You make my world a better place.

Happy what the fuck Wednesday, may your hump day roller-coaster ride be smooth.

It’s What The Fuck Wednesday!

I made it up the hump last week and zoomed so far down, so fast I couldn’t catch up. I was thrown in to the bottom of the depths of self sabotage.

Mental health fucking matters! Let me just say this shit again, MENTAL HEALTH FUCKING MATTERS!

If you or someone you know struggles reach out. Get help and remember you are not alone.

This what the fuck Wednesday is very different from my usual.

Last Wednesday I got a call from my doctor, my pap test had come back and it was not the best news. I am headed to embark again on fighting both cancerous cell change and cancer causing hpv. I have fought this once already a few years back and after about two years of scraping and biopsies I was cleared. Everything was good. So when I got this call again I just sunk.

I not only sunk due to this but the last year has been nothing but bad news after bad news and I just couldn’t mentally pull myself around it.

I completely shut down, I stopped everything I do and just sat within my self, with a million questions that have no answers. Even now there’s no answers for them but as days pass they will show.

With that and the ten year anniversary of my father’s death which is always hard on me. I am still trying to raise enough funds for a headstone and when that idea flopped as hard as it has it added to the fall. It took me a while to realize that I can still make it and I will keep trying.

So this what the fuck Wednesday I am thanking the universe for a break and telling it no matter what it decides to throw at me, I’m a survivor, I have always been and I will continue to be.

What else you got? What the fuck Wednesday cuz I am ready!

The Needy Mother

It’s been a hot minute since I shared any previews of my writing, so here’s a preview of one of my short stories. To finish reading you can find it on amazon kindle or kindle unlimited.


Ally decides she has had enough! Her mother always needs something, a ride, food, doctors or chatting! Does she not realize I have my own fucking life to live, my own responsibilities, my own job to be done, why does she always need something Ally said inside head. As the end one long week passed and another began she just knew there was no end in site to the needs that her mother required her to fill. And she has another twenty years of the shit, that is longer than any of Allys’ kids take to grow up!


As I rolled over to shut my alarm off at 6:30 am Monday morning, eyes only partially opened, I saw it! The dreaded little text message bubble. I knew exactly who it was and thought it’s way too early for this shit!

“I haven’t even made my first coffee, done my meditation, or fully opened my eyes,” I mumbled to myself, as I rolled out of bed.

Ignoring the inevitable of that little message bubble, I began my day. Rolling thoughts in my head of, what the hell does she want now? How will I fit it into my day? How long is it going to take this time?

The thoughts alone were exhausting and had me wishing I could go back to bed, start my day over, and not see the notification. Half an hour later, I finally bit the bullet and read the text.

Mom: Good Morning, I hope you’re doing ok. I was wondering what your plans are today, as I have to get some groceries, go to the pharmacy, the dollar store and Walmart.

“Fuck, just fuck,” I bellowed out.

“Why in the hell does she need all that shit now? I just took her! Who the hell needs to go that often?” Biting the bullet, I replied.

Ally: Morning, I have to work until noon as soon as I get the kids to school, then pick them up by 3:20 pm, and head back to work until 11:00 pm today.

I always try to accommodate my mother, however these days it’s becoming too much. I had spent every damn day in the last week taking her from one end in the city to the other, for something she needed. I was done. I didn’t want to do it anymore, and had things of my own that required my attention.

Mom: Ok, can you take me at noon when you’ve finished work?

Is she kidding me, did she not just read that fucking text I sent her? I thought…….

It’s What The Fuck Wednesday!

I had hiiigh hopes, I had hiiigh hopes, high apple pie in the fucking sky hopes, until the kids were awake!

The universal energy has finally realigned to full fledge assholeism (yah it might not be a word but I’m going to use the shit).

It started out decent, I was up way too fucking early but slept sort of decent, hard to sleep well with the knee the way it is but coffee was consumed in silence and the sunrise was gorgeous.

Since the last few Wednesday’s were decent I was like fuck yeah I got this shit. It’s going to be a good fucking day. WRONG! So fucking wrong!

Left to take hubby to work and older boy calls, “mom is he allowed candy” speaking of the youngest! “Fuck no! It’s not even eight in the morning” “well he won’t put it back” he gives the youngest the phone “put the fucking candy away, you are not having sugar this early or before school”

Get home, youngest hasn’t changed his clothes, hasn’t left the couch and the second I get in it’s “give me my fucking tablet back, mom he took my tablet” “well have you changed? Have you got ready for school? Have you…have you…” of course I knew he hadn’t before he even answered no. “Yeah, you can have your tablet, after you get fucking ready”

Insert twenty minute screaming tantrum of I can’t change, I can’t find clothes, I can’t do this, I can’t do that, I want candy in my lunch, blah fucking blah blah!

So after doing everything for him and making sure it got done even getting to the car was a struggle, on the drive he proceeds to ask why he can’t have candy! Are you fucking kidding me! Listing all the things he did just in a minimal amount of time his reply? Well what about after school? *sigh* I cant speak for that as it will depend on the attitude given then.

What The Fuck Wednesday? We were on such good terms there for a while, why you gotta go do me like that?

I think I will retreat back to hiding, alone in silence for day! Maybe I will consume some green beer tonight, 🍺 Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

It’s What The Fuck Wednesday!

The hump is high and the engine power low. Like the little engine that could I’ll make my ass up the hill and over!

It started out okay, average day, got my ass up way too early, per usual. No reason at all and decided to caffeinate. Had a silent cup of coffee before waking all thw shitheads.

Surprisingly that also went okay. Youngest was in a decent mood. Older ones just get their own shit together.

I’ve realized why my kids are such smartass little creatures or at least part of the reason. Boy goes out, starts his truck and asks if I can watch it. Me being me I reapond with “Is it going to do tricks? Drive away on its own? Maybe disappear?” You know all the fun things that can’t happen in a five minute time span while he takes a pee. It was fun haha.

Then, then I checked the bills! Have you all checked your fucking bills lately? If not I don’t recommend doing it on a Wednesday. It will definitely make it a what the fuck day! I couldn’t believe my newest bills. Like holy fuck! How are people supposed to survive through this shit with bills like that!

Now I’m about to embark on cleaning the second half of my youngest boys room. We spent four hours on it yesterday and only made it three quarter’s the way. Unfortunately with his ailments he hoards! Not just a fucking little bit. He hoards everyfuckingthing. You name it, it’s in there! If anyone has suggestions to help with this I’m all ears.

I checked on my book stats today! Surprisingly they are not that bad! And what the fuck is that? Hitting in the top one hundred spots again in a couple categories! Not sure why people read the shit but I’m grateful as fuck!

Happy What The Fuck Wednesday! May your engine have enough steam to power through whatever shit it is!

It’s What The Fuck Wednesday!

I’m ready to get off this shit show of a hump day today. For real, fucking done! I’m officially exhausted.

I finally got to sit for thirty fucking minutes around quarter after two before getting kids from school. I haven’t had a day go so insane in some time and I hope it doesn’t happen again for some time.

My dog woke me every two hours last night, the final wake time at fpur-thirty, I already had to be up at five am, so stayed up. I could have tried to sleep and be tired or stay up and caffeinate. Caffeine for the fucking win.

Six-thirty rolls around time pick up my mom drive her to surgery, and be back before seven-thirty wake up for thw kids. Whew made it.

Make lunches take husband to work, eight a.m. get kids finished for school and to school. Well that was semi successful and somewhat on fucking time. NICE!

Ninety pick my mom up from surgery, get completely fucking lost in the building, finally find her, she needs medication. Sure why not? Not like I don’t have enough to do. Drive her home, get her settled inside.

Ten a.m, hit the paharmacy, drop off for later pick up. Ten-thirty pick up daughter for her sleep consult appointment, got there, alright. Then I had to climb three fucking flights of stairs cuz you know, no elevator, of course there isn’t a fucking elevator it’s Wednesday!

One-thirty back to pharmacy, pick up meds for drop off, get back into the car and slammed my fucking hair shut in the door. Pretty sure I’m missing a patch now. Fuck! Get my moms stuff dropped off at her house, pick up court papers cuz she’s now being sued, long story. Started reading court papers and will have to do a reply for court. Sure why not what the fuck Wednesday, just add some more shit! Who the fuck sues a sixty-eight year old woman on a pension anyway. I am not sure who’s more pissed about this me or my mother, probably me.

Then get the kids from school and I am not cooking tonight. Once kids were picked up I laid my ass down and just stopped. The minute I took my shoes off my foot was so swollen. Cuz on top of all this shit I had to do, I had to do it in a knee brace with a fucked up knee. Still waiting on test results.

I refuse to get off my ass and do anything at this point. I’m sore, miserable, tired and just want to sleep.

What the fuck Wednesday, seriously what the fuck!! I’m done, I surrender! White fucking flag up today.

Stolen Time

Stolen Time is a true and factual event from my life. It is but one chapter from my Memoir called All The Wrong Love.

My father and I grew a bond that was like no other,
despite the hardships that came of his transition.
The day I lost him was more painful than anything I had
ever experienced.
The phone rang at 11:25 a.m. I answered; it was him. My
dad called to check in on me, even though he should only be
worrying about himself. Our conversation would be short, so I
could rest a bit before heading up to visit him.
He was out in the hall of the hospital, by the large
windows, looking out, just resting. Not where he was supposed
to be, but he assured me he was good and headed to bed soon,
he just wanted to see what the weather was like.
I assured him I would be there in a couple of hours once
we rested.
As we both agreed to go rest, we said our “I love yous”
and I told him I’d see him soon.
I laid beside my daughter resting, and never did I think
that would be the last words spoken to the man I loved more
than anything.

I never dreamt that what was to come next would be my
final memories of him.
A few hours later, I woke from my sleep. A haunting
panic, combined with worry, and stress overwhelmed me.
Why? Why would I feel this way? What was it that was
not right in my world?
As I rushed around the house to get everything and my
daughter ready to leave, I could feel something was wrong,
something wasn’t right, it was a pain aching inside me without
knowing the answer.
I loaded up the van, hopped in and drove as fast as I could
to the hospital. I swear it was the longest drive of my life: I hit
every red light, every traffic jam, and parking was insanely
atrocious. Everything was as slow as could be.
It was as if the world was against me. As if the universe
was telling me to slow down and relax. But I could not. I had to
get there, I just had to. Although I couldn’t explain why at the
time, it would become very apparent.
Finally! I had made it. I scooped my daughter out of the
van and we did a running walk.
Unfortunately, at the age of two, and pregnant, that’s not
very quick. Or it didn’t feel quick enough. I picked her up and

moved on faster, faster I thought. The closer I got to the ward
the worse my feelings became.
As I entered through the corridor around 3:25 p.m. nothing
seemed out of the ordinary, the nurses’ station to the right was
empty as they did their rounds, and my father’s room door to the
left was casually open just enough to sneak in.
I placed my daughter on the floor and held her hand,
slowly pushing the door to the side to open it enough for the two
of us to enter side-by-side.
There he was, sleeping, resting peacefully on the bed.
What a relief.
As I walked closer, I could see him half on, and half off
the bed, with one leg hanging over the edge.
“Dad, Dad,” I said.
Slowly, I inched a little closer being cautious not to startle
him awake, as he had a tendency to swing if you did. I raised my
hand and reached my arm out to touch him.
“Dad, Dad,” I said with a little nudge to his leg.
There was nothing—no response.

As I went closer and placed my whole hand on his leg,
giving it a good shake, it felt chilled, as if he had been outside in
the freezing cold for hours.
“Dad, Dad.”
Still with no response. I quickly moved my hand from his
leg up to his chest.
There was no movement, it was not raising or sinking with
breath. It was cold; his skin a discoloured light grey-blue. I
looked to his face, drained from all colour with lips the shade of
a fresh blueish bruise.
I gasped.
I grabbed my daughter’s hand and backed up out to the
hallway where the nurses’ station was. I stood there, waiting to
see someone, anyone who I could call to help.
What seemed like an eternity may have only been
moments when a nurse finally walked by.
As the nurse passed, I yelled to her.
“Something is wrong, I don’t think my dad is breathing,
please help. He’s here in the first bed.”

As she rushed by me to enter, the next thing I could hear
was the speaker system, “Code blue, code blue!”
That was the moment I knew: I knew he was gone.
I dropped.
Literally just dropped down. It was like one of those
dramatic scenes in a movie where they lose all function and just
drop and scream. Yes, it truly happens this way. You can’t
control the reaction, it just happens. All sense, feeling, and
function becomes so overwhelming inside you that you just can’t
handle it.
Nurse after nurse, and doctor after doctor rushed past me
as I slump along the side of the door.
As I turned my head, I could see only his feet shifting, up
and down with the force of the compressions they used to try to
save him. But I knew it was not going to work.
Then the door closed and a single hand reached out to me.
She was kind, the look in her eyes stated sadness and
compassion for the loss I had just sustained. Helping me rise off
the floor, she guided me away and further down the hall to a
chair to sit.
She looked at me and said, “He’s gone, is there someone
you can call to pick up your daughter?”

Even though I heard the words of the nurse, I didn’t know.
I didn’t know what to do or say, or even know how to
comprehend the words to answer, but she waited, patiently, until
I could muster enough power to form a “yes”.
I gathered myself together enough to make a phone call to
have someone arrive as soon as possible. I knew the calls to my
siblings would be hard. They would be devastated by the news,
but I had to do it. I was the one who had found him, I was the
one who was there and knew.
I would first call my brother; he was close and could
arrive quicker than anyone else. I am not sure he believed me, or
the words I said, when the news was broken to him. He hung up
quickly but said he was on his way.
Next were my sisters. Screams echoed through the end of
the phone; I knew the pain they felt. Although I could not give
every answer, the one I had of his passing was not what they
I couldn’t stay on long, I had to return to the room to get
my father’s things, to say goodbye, and return to my kids. I
wasn’t sure how I would see through the flowing tears to even
get myself home but I knew I had to.
Upon the arrival of my brother, we embraced for a few
moments not saying anything other than “he’s gone”. He sat me

in a black leather chair in the hall by the windows and said he
would return.
I wonder if this was the last chair my father sat in while
enjoying the view out the window that was in front of me. Is this
the last thing he saw? It was not much of a view. All that sat on
the other side was a road and a set of old brown buildings. Why
was he here? Did he know he was not going to make it? That his
time was so limited he just wanted it to be filled with love and
support, not sadness and pity? This, and many more thoughts,
would flash through my head without ever knowing the answers.
Finally, I see my brother walking the narrow hallway
toward me, unaware of how much time actually passed at this
point until he returned. He got the confirmation of loss and the
efforts of the medical team were to no avail. He placed himself
in the chair next to me, grabbed my hand, and said, “Let’s go.”
“They have his body ready in another room so we can say
Without a single word I walked, back through the corridor
which haunts my heart even to this day. As he led me to the
room that housed the body of my late father, I stopped.
I stopped dead, just outside of the room before opening the
door. I took the deepest breath and placed a hand on it.

As it slowly swung open, I released the breath. Cleansing
all of my insides from top to bottom in one solid, long, exhale.
There, right there in front of me laying flat, covered in a
sheet with eyes closed was my father. There was an odd sense of
silence in the room. It was like nobody was there. Although I
saw the capsule of a man, there was no feeling of life. Just
silence. Dead, quiet silence. The lights seemed to be deepened
and dull, the walls not near as bright of a beige as they once
seemed. I could feel not only was he gone, but his spirit had
crossed to where it belonged. Not even the slightest feeling of a
presence was detected. It was sad, relieving, and calming all at
the same time.
With it I acknowledged out loud, “He has passed,
peacefully, you can feel it, there is nothing but this empty vessel
laying here.”
I stepped forward to beside the bed, leaned in and gave a
kiss to the forehead. It was cold, stiff and lifeless. I said
goodbye and walked out.
As I made for the exit of the hospital, with a white garbage
bag in one hand holding the belongings that were with him, I
had to write. I had to voice the pain inside me before I exploded.
“Today the world lost and heaven gained … a wonderful
strong loving man … who was, and always will, be admired …
a man I looked up to and treasured … a man only his children

could truly know, my dad, I love you always and forever, and
will never forget you, what you taught me, who you taught me
to be … rest in peace”
With these words written, I walked into the snow storm
outside. Making my way to my van, tears freezing down the
sides of my face, my new reality was about to hit.
The reality of how much time was stolen.
Over the next couple weeks, sleep would elude me:
funeral arrangements, signing the death certificate on my
twenty-seventh birthday, and laying him in his final resting
place would occur. While these were hard, it is the time since
this day that pains even more.
I would come to realize he would miss two of my
children’s births, both of my graduations at school, walking me
down the aisle, and many other special occasions, moments and
life events.
All of the time stolen comes after the loss.

Please help me in raising funds to acquire a headstone, it has been ten years and my heart breaks knowing I’ve not been able to do this. https://gofund.me/3d33e377

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